Mummy has a downstairs brain too!

So I lost it. She needed me to name it to tame it, to connect and redirect, to use my calm to calm her down, to be attuned, to respond to her cries/yells with empathy, acceptance and curiosity. She needed my mature upstairs brain* to bring peace and safety to her rioting downstairs brain.

And what did I do? I lost it.

Why? Because at the time my upstairs brain was not in the driving seat. Why? Short answer – because I am human. Longer answer: it’s Covid-19 season and my base level stress is elevated, my son needed squared paper and his downstairs brain was aroused with anxiety that he would get told off and that he wouldn’t get his work done; his brother’s downstairs brain was aroused because he is trying to totally sort out all his Lego and he couldn’t get some pieces pried apart and I have no idea what was going on with the little one – teeth, developmental stage, not getting what she wanted, frustration???? There was no way I could practically sort out everyone’s problems at once – let alone investigate and regulate everyone’s emotions. So when the little one shrieked in my ear and dug her sharp finger nails into my face in a twisting pinch I failed to parent therapeutically. I failed to keep my voice calm, and I could have been much gentler as I attempted to rescue my face.

And I’m going to struggle to type this – but here goes – THAT’S OK.

And I can only say that because an expert told me! I’m currently in the middle of a training webinar on De-escalation given by Jane Mitchell and not only have I been informed with brilliant, accessible information on the brain and our emotions, the affect of trauma, and how to parent wisely to de-escalate before things get out of control, but also wonderfully empathised with Mum to Mum. I haven’t finished it yet, but I know she is coming on to talk about the positives that come from careful repair work after some of our not so brilliant Mummy moments and also to the importance of self-care.

And so I am going to attempt to use my understanding of the brain not only to challenge myself as to how I might respond differently in the future, but also to recognise that Mummy has a downstairs brain too.

* You can find more about upstairs and downstairs brain online for example search ‘Dan Siegel – Name it to Tame it’ on YouTube.