Approval Rating

This is a post I wrote back in May 2019. It felt rather raw at the time – more of a personal splurge – so I decided not to publish it. I have now revisited it and feel the following is worth sharing.

Coming back from my first ever support group meeting and with the radio offering little that grabbed me, I turned my thoughts to why I was finding life post-approval a bit of an uphill struggle.

Not the whole of life you understand, but just managing my emotions around the adoption …

Despite having thoroughly enjoyed the support group I drove away with a distinct knot in my tummy. With a long drive ahead of me, and nothing to distract me on the radio I fell to reflecting on just why that was. And what I found surprised me – hiding amongst the excitement, longing and impatience that I had expected to give myself a good talking to about I also discerned fear.

Hmm – fear. What is that all about? There was the obvious fear of a match never being found, but hiding in its shadow was a more subtle fear: the fear that each week and month of waiting was somehow undermining the approval; the fear that life post-approval was becoming life post-being approved of.

O.K. – so at least the fear is out in the open – now to address it.

Fear 1: “You’ll never get a match”
Well it’s basically far too early to cross that bridge and there are people who will help us cross it if and when we come to it.

Fear 2: “On second thoughts we don’t really want you.”
So I get it – a big part of the reason I am feeling like this is because I’m, well quite frankly I’m me! That is how my brain works. Many of you will be made of sterner stuff! But just in case I’m not the only worrier amongst us let’s just stick with it for a moment – aside from my personal proclivities, what else might be going on here?

Well, as I drove home that summer’s evening it struck me that, as well as the dramatic change of pace at this point in the process (as covered in my last post), there is also a pronounced change in atmosphere. Not a change from positive to negative – there are still lots of positives: excellent ongoing training, support groups, email updates, visits from our ASW, not to mention all the work that is going on behind the scenes. No it is more like a shift from a predominantly open atmosphere to a more closed one. From an atmosphere full of potential to one more densely populated with obstacles like courts and geography and competition. The positives that led to our approval are just as real as before of course, but they sort of go undercover for a while, while words like ‘vulnerabilities’ take centre stage.

To borrow some language from the world of the card table:

As you near the end of the Assessment Stage and go through Panel everyone’s cards are laid out on the table. In the case of approval it is a win win situation and there are smiles and congratulations all round.

And then the game moves on without you. Your cards stay out on the table, while new players pull up their chairs and a new hand is dealt. In contrast to the last hand this hand is played very close to the chest, poker faces all round. Oh, and it literally becomes a competitive process.

Which is totally correct, understandable and necessary…

…AND just a little unnerving.

And that’s O.K. too.

Which brings us back to those knots of fear in my stomach as I drove home yesterday evening.

Is it understandable to feel an element of vulnerability as I experience this shift of atmosphere – yes I think it is. Does it follow that my fears are well founded?

No.

After all, it is often the case that the most innocent of things can cast a bit of a scary shadow when you find yourself in the unknown.

Is that our ‘approval rating’ going down? No silly – it’s just that we are not the right family for that child.

Are we slowly failing a probationary period? No – things are just moving a bit slowly in court at the moment.

Have we been ‘left on the shelf’ because we have fallen out of favour – forgotten and covered in dust like Wheezy in Toy Story 2? No – this is just the part of the story where you can’t quite tell how it is all going to work out.

So what to do? Well, take a bit of a deep breath, probably laugh at myself a little and keep going.