Let’s P.A.C.E. ourselves

You don’t go long in the world of adoption without learning the acronym PACE.

PACE is a helpful way to remember some of the concepts you need to keep to mind when parenting therapeutically – i.e. parenting children who have suffered trauma – as described by Dan Hughes.

Playful: While we can’t be playful all the time – and at particular points of conflict, anxiety or panic it might not even be appropriate / helpful – we do need to incorporate lots of silliness and fun into our parenting. Therapeutic doesn’t equal serious, academic and dull!

Accepting: A lot of the stress in dealing with an issue actually comes from our expectations and disappointments as parents. We expected a certain activity to be enjoyed; we always imagined being a sporty family; we just wanted a visit to Grandma’s that didn’t involve a meltdown; why can’t I sit for 5 minutes with a cup of tea while they play quietly – all my friends’ children seem to manage it – just 5 minutes is that too much to expect?

If we can accept our children as they are and not wish they were just a little more…. or a little less…. we will be more able to approach issues and conflicts with patience and possibly even a bit of a sense of humour.

Curious: The wonder of “I wonder if…” This is our chance as parents to play detective. Most behaviour doesn’t occur in isolation – but is the tip of the iceberg and a clue to what’s going on at a much deeper level. A tantrum after losing a game might not be a simple case of being a sore loser – it might be the final straw after a series of events in which our child has felt more and more out of control, or more and more inadequate and incapable. The parenting needed here then isn’t to ask them: “When will you learn to lose a game without throwing it across the room?” or “Why can’t you ever lose without having a tantrum?” but empathetic questions like: “I wonder if losing this game makes you feel like you aren’t good at doing things?” Obviously asking the right questions gets easier the more you know your child and the more you know about your child, but we can always have a go. Sometimes asking the wrong question actually gives them a chance to say “no” and prompts them to explain what is going on.

Why questions are really hard for children to answer even in the best of situations – let alone when their brain is stuck in the basic loop of fight, flight or freeze. When will you… ? why didn’t you…? How could you… ? are all the opposite of accepting and all put distance between us and our child. What we are aiming for is to accept where we are at that point with our child, that right now our child is not able to regulate themselves, but needs our help. Our compassion, not our challenge. Our task at this stage is not to show them that throwing the board across the room is unacceptable behaviour, but to work out what is going on, help them to understand it; and then together to return to a state of calm. This links in with another phrase I came across early on in my adoption journey – Connection BEFORE Correction. It is not that you are never going to correct their bad behaviour, but at that point it isn’t your first priority. If a child has never received encouragement or worse has been repeatedly told how useless they are then maybe what they need is some understanding and a cuddle.

Empathy – Empathy is sitting with someone where they are, not having to fix or minimise with comparative statements such as “at least you aren’t as bad off as…” but just crawling into their painful place and sitting alongside them there.

Until typing this up I hadn’t quite clicked before how interlinked and interdependent each part of PACE is. Acceptance is vital to curiosity, and empathy oozes out of acceptance and curiosity. It can be hard to be playful when so much is not as you want it to be, or when you just can’t understand what makes your playmate so difficult – but with empathy, acceptance and curiosity the playfulness can be protected and in turn bring warmth into the relationship which enhances the acceptance and the empathy.

So let’s keep on trying to P.A.C.E ourselves!